Believe it or not, i somehow managed to erase my entire profile page while painfully sleep-deprived and exhausted last night. So it looks like i have to start again.
"I`ve come too far to take orders from cake"
Im notendorsinganorexia or bulemia on this page, and if anyone reading this finds the content offensive then please fell free to leave. Otherwise please hang around and get to no me.
Ok so what do you need to know about me?
Im 24, and a student, and more importantly Im ana, Im complex and one-dimensional all at once. Im a walking contradiction. I equate fragility with strength, and have an inverted interpretation of the world around me. Im driven, and fiercely protective of my friends and family. I can be secretive and elusive, but once your in my confidence you`ll stay there. I love sunsets, hot baths and lavender fragranced candles. I laugh when i should be serious, i blush when i try to tell a lie and i feed everyone aronud me.
Im terrified of food, and have recently started considering the possibility that im an addict, since my relationship with food is exacly that, an obsessive compulsion characterised by by addictive personality and perfectionism.
I restrict, lax, binge, purge and over exercise. I drink, self medicate and will basically do anything to stop myself giving into hunger. When i eat i become anxious, distraught and go a little loopy. I have a love hate relationship with hunger, most people and with myself. I love animals.
Ive always had an ed, its always been echoing around the corners, stalking me threw life. Ive tried to elude her, faught her, but in the end she and i are one, and its only in accepting her that i can be free.
7th December 2009 Its winter again and im cold. My bones feel sore, brittle and i can actually feel the chill coming off me. Its penetrated so deeply that its erased any memory of heat or warmth. The cold is companiable, benevolent and compassionate in its presence, its consistant, and i need consistency now more than ever. Enveloped in her presence, the chill of winter affords a sense of calm, as we walk down the path to perfection. Im trying to smoother the sense of delight that is bubbling up inside me today, Im loseing weight, but im reluctant to give into any sense of achievement. My mood has been devestatingly low for months now and this has left me feeling like a fragile withered shell of a person. Ive been wrestling with self-doubt, self-hatred and an anxiety thats left my heart racing and my head spinning. The cruelty of my eating disorder has chipped away at my confidence and that whispering undermining voice that talks me up onto ledges has evolved into a deafening roar.
8th December 2009 Unfortunately for me i seem to live in a city full of beautiful, skinny girls, and today, my insecurities slipped beyond their normal levels and i subsequently found myself nearly in tears at the sight of an emaciated looking girl with tiny legs. Now im not even going to pretend that that is a normal reaction, but even for me, its extreme.
Nothing remains anymore other than food, its central to every thought, every idea, every word and every action i carry out. Its become the basement membrane on upon which my fragile life is balanced. Its bigger than i am, its demensions are greater, more soild. I am too weak to be around it now, i just cant act rationally in a world where food is essential for life, so i guess im saying that i am uncompatable with life.
If i could change or alter anything it would be time. Right now i feels like time is moving painfully slowl, while my thoughts are racing ahead, driving me forwards. Time. I cant fill it, i cant stop it, i cant like it, and most of all i cant stand it. I hate that in three minutes i can eat enought food to wipe out all the achievements of an entire week spent restricting. I hate that while im in control its only a matter of time before i slip. Time, it seems, as a quantitave measurement is in totally disproportion to my suffering, and its mocking my weakness, taunting me, because eventually, eniviatably, we all need to eat, even me.
9th Dec 2009 (10pm) Im hungry today, so hungry i can hardly stand it. Im hungry for love, for the warmth of another person, for acceptance. I need someone to hug me and stroke mt hair. I need to hear that it will all be ok, that im not growing increasingly morbid, that im not being sucked into a self destructive implosion, that im not dangerously and painfully obsessed with the illusion that the key to my happiness will be unlocked when im 2lbs lighter. So why then, can i not reach out and ask for it. Im surrounded by people who would pay any price to give me what i need. So why cant i ask for the love i need?
"Its too late in the day for common sense" Im so tired of being distressed. Im tired of feeling hungry, of being in pain and not being able to see that there could ever be any relief. Im not living, im not an active participant in my life, im a passive, submissive victim of my own demons. If this were a film, if my life was a plot in a movie, this would be the point where i would have a moving, self-affirming/validating experience which would restore my sense of self-worth. and the que the happy ever afters. But this is no film, and there will be no happy endings here. This is my reality and right now, it fu*king sucks.
11th December 2009, Fluttering in my chest, crawling sensation under my skin, pounding in my ears. Hit with a wave of nausia, heat creeping across my face, a single tear sliding down my cheak. Brush the hair away from my face, bite my lip, a little too hard, drawing blood, iron- heavy melatic taste flooding my mouth, drawing my attention back. Purlpe and pinky blue rash raised and angry, did i hit myself? No Ive fainted, thats why im sitting on the floor in my landing looking at a picture of myself smiling down at me. Im late for college.
Sunday 13th December Im feeling very numd today, its comfortable, as it always is. Im detached and anxiety free, disconnected from it all. My room is a mess, but who cares, it can clean itself. I have a paper due in tomorrow evening, i need to do well or ill fail the class so im trying to over-ride my built in predisposition to fail by actually applying myself.... I have a self destructive streak a mile wide, which being aware of i normally navigate around, but in my current state, that of emotional numbness, im on a crash course.
Ive spent most of today crying for all ive lost, and all i cant lose. Ill never be thin enough, ill never experience that because i cant see it, so im mourning for my lost appreciation. All ill ever have is the torture and heartache, but without ever being able to enjoy it, its success and triumphs. Through out all this im listening to Damien Rice, the mans music is so fu*king depressing it should come with a health warning. fml
The biochemistry of an ana, brain wave function in the emaciated -self starved, fat depleted brain. I dunno, but it cant be good. Ive read that the reason depression follows, rather than preceeds anorexia, is because fats, which are essential to normal brain function, are absent in anas. Interesting, maybe not.
15th (i think) December 2009 Ok im obsessing, and this page is getting seriously cramped, my apologies to anyone trying to read this, but this site has become an extension of my thoughts, disorganised and disturbed to an extreme. Im not feeling too well ~ physically that is. I think i may be developing some malnutrition-related deficiency or disorder. At a guess maybe protein deficiency but who knows. Im light headed, having palpatations and my mood is so low i dont even have the energy to be depressed. I just "am". I cannot engage in conversation, maintain concentration, or remain independantly warm without a significant heat source ~ electric blanket, hot water bottle. But what the fu*k do you expect, i dont eat. If i get up every morning and tell myself "today is going to hurt, its meant to" then i get threw it ok, otherwise i grow more angry and confused as the day progresses. I dont really understand myself at the moment, im getting really close to my lowest weight but its not even about that anymore, im just confused. I was looking at pro~ana blogs today and i kept finding these pages with stories about apparently anorexic girls, but they were all (the few i read) normal weights, much heavier than i am, by as much as 20lbs, and it really pissed me off. Another thing thats been annoying me is height, 98lbs sounds great right? But there is a huge difference between a girl who is 5 foot, and 98lbs, and one like me (5 foot 8) who is also 98lbs. But like i said, getting petty and irrational.
".... Sometimes theres so much beauty in the world I feel like I cant take it, like my heart`s going to cave in...." ~ American Beauty
(9-12-09) Ive recently found that i cannot record my weight or what i eat without it upsetting up. Not because im eating too much or gaining weight, but because ive spent nearly ten years religiously recording every calorie and fat gram, so for now im trying to stop. Never say never and all that but ill see how it goes.
"You float like a feather, in a beautiful world....."
"I think i just ate my self control"
Christmas traditions When i was a little girl, i always wanted to believe in fairys. I had read a book about how childeren, being open-minded and innocent, could see and talk to fairies, and i was facinated with the idea that such a thing, such a wonderful magical thought, could be true. I can also remember my Mum teaching me that everyone one has a gaurdian angel who looks after them and protects them. Now i had made no destinction between angels and fariys, and so this just seemed to confirm to me the existance of these magical creatures, who i would be able to see, if only i believed. Its nearly christmas, and im off to buy an angel, (fairy ) as i awlays do every year. Ive still never seen a fairy, but i no that someone has been protecting me all these years, and i still like to think that thats due to my gaurdian angel.
14th December 2009Men are such a let down, sometimes i think its a genetic mutation that seems to render the entire gender predisposed to being ass*oles.My boyfriend, who seems like a dream come true initially, is slowly morphing into my worst nightmare. Hes overweight, rude, selfish, drinks too much, spends hours playing poker and playstation games (no hes not a teenager, although i can understand the confusion) and although he has a reasonably well paid job, hes taken to sponging off me (with my meger income) because he drinks all his money. The one "understanding that we have is that when we go out together we divide our time between my friends and his, reasonable right? Wrong! Apparently his friends (who are too numerous to keep track of) are more important than mine. For the past month, every weekend we have played out the same futile conversation. He tells me one of these friends (always a best friend) is having a birthday/ party/ baptism / wedding, and he is obliged to attend. Ive played the understanding "of course" you do role up to now, but this time hes pushed me too far. Ive been planning a nite out with all my friends which was to include him, for weeks. Ive reminded him of this commitment every time we`ve spoken. Then this morning i get a text from him, a going away party. I nearly scream. Hes let me down again.So why am i putting up with this? Really? I should dump his sorry ass on the spot. But i guess men are not the only ones genetically predisposed to bad behaviour, im starting to think im predisposed to being a door mat.
When you reach your lowest point, and smack up against rock bottom, splitting your lip and smudging your eyeliner, remember this; theres nowhere to go but back up!
hi, i just read this last blog-type entry from 11/26/09. i really like a lot of what you write. it's refreshing to hear someone being so honest & direct! i think it helps so much to write, whatever it is. this one that i just read really resonates with me. i can identify a lot. it's good to hear others say it! that was something i needed to read today as i'm in a similar spot. i just want freedom to speak & be heard too. i don't feel like it's ever there & when i have spoken so often i've ended up getting screwed over severely for it & that just puts anyone in a more F'd up place than they were to begin with! i know that's how it is for me. i like to write & have a lot on my profile but get really anxious much of the time that i put up too much, that i'm going to be a bad influence, that someone i know will find me on here. this has tempted me to just quit my account all together. yet, i don't and keep coming back because i don't want to feel MORE silenced than i already am. i'd probably talk to more people on here because i need support just as much as anyone but get so fearful. i censor myself enough here & everywhere, in spite of considering myself a pretty blunt person. i hate having to "hide." it takes courage to post a lot on here. so thanks! it's appreciated! "clarity, distance, blue skys... etc." everything you said makes so much sense to me. i'm assuming others can relate as well. keep on writing!
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Hay hon, I really have to apologise for the late response, i would usually check my messages every few days but ive just been so busy this last week with college and exams that everything else in my life has been neglected. Im really touched by your message, its lovely to think that my writing could have such a positive effect on someone. I use this site as an outlet, but when i write on my profile im never really aware that others will be reading it, obviously they do but what im trying to say is im not writing to an audience. I really can understand your reluctance to open up more on your profile, but i really would encourage you to. You can protect your identity but express yourself too, and as you say, that freedom of expression can be very important, especially when its not possible. If your anything like me then you life your life behind a veil of pretence, always maintaining a facade of "normality", but you need an outlet, somewhere where you can be yourself and breath, if only for an hour a day. I really am amazed at your response to my words, and thank you for the complements, i will keep writing.
xxx Niamh
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hi thanx for adding me to your friends x ive just read your page , you have alot of simalarities to me ( although the more people i meet here the more i find we are all the same and its lovely to know ) im the same ; ana and somtimes mia although i lax every day , if i eat i lax strait away i suppose im sick more than id admit to myself, i will not NOT eat fried food EVER nor will i eat processed food i somtimes have to have somthing sweet but then ill rid myself of it as soon as im done . i fast , i freak out once a month when i gain because im due and i relax 2 days later when its gone !! 1 lb gain and ill be destraught . at the mo im kind of stuck on 105 im doin all the same things but not loosing gonna start a fast tomoro .gonna join a gym too that way i can ex in the warm ( im alllllwwwwaaayyysss cold ! ) spk l8r big luv to you xxxxx
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God that is strange, the similarities keep lining up! I love my course, its really interesting but the course material is getting really tough, so not much time for a social life at the moment. My blood disorder ( factor V leidens) is a genetic mutation too, which is partly why im studying genetics. Ive read a bit about neurofibromatosis, does it effect you much? My disorder is recessively inherited, i got it from my Mum, although she has none of the symptoms and never has. My brother didnt inherit it either. Mine is a severe form as usually people only start clotting in their 30`s or 40`s and mine kicked in when i was a teenager. Im still a bit of a medical mystery, so much so they have asked me to be a case study for two journals!
Im off to watch a dvd with my boyfriend, have a good night. Im really glad we met too. xxx
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im going to miss you niamh. ill speak to you in a week though if i cant get on here before i get back ill be on as soon as im home aha, im so sad! lovee you gorgeous xxxxxx
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Im gonna miss you too, it wont be the same here without you hon. But at least your gonna get a tan, im looking so pale and pasty, yuck! Fingers crossed ill be at least 3lbs lighter beforew you come back, gotta get super-jaw-droppingly-emaciated before college! Have an amazing break sweets, you deserve it. xx
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