Discussion: Hardest Decision...

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Seeking_Perfection	Hardest Decision... Oct 25 2009, 1:36 PM EDT Well, It's comlicated. I hope you can keep up, I'll try and explain my situation as best I can... My Gran and Grandpop live in Spain, I got a phone call last week from my grandpop asking me if I could promise him something. I agreed and he simply said 'Get better, be happy, live your life and make me prouder than I am now. I Love you, So much.' These words have stuck in my head. I have a terrible feeling he is really ill, its in his nature not to tell someone if he was... dying. I love him so much, and he is so special to me, he is such a compassionate man, and he would do literally anything to help me with anything.The more I think about it, I want him to be happy while he's still here. But the thing is.... I think I want to get better. Temporarily. Just so he can see me happy again, to make him proud again. But I cant imagine life without ana. I found an email address on AB last week and he claimed to be able to 'help us.' I added him to see what he could say, and he told me if I wasnt doing it for myself I wouldnt get better, I would just be postponing Ana, and I dont know if you CAN postpone ana....But I definately dont want her to leave me permanently... yet. I need her. But I love my grandpop too. It so confusing, and such a complicated situation. Im faced with the decision of choosing My family or ana, which is a decision I face every day of my life, just not as prominant as this, every time I choose ana,which is why i still have an ED, but now... I dont know. My grandpop is the ONLY person who has been there for me through thick and thin... I love him so much... The reason I suppose I am writing this is because... Well I need to know, what would you guys do, in honest opinions here please. This is playing with my sanity at the moment!! I took parts of this from a conversation I had with someone. Just so I didnt have to re-type the whole thing. I hope they don't mind. Post reply Do you find this valuable? Keyword tags: None
gemana	1. RE: Hardest Decision... Oct 25 2009, 2:37 PM EDT Hey :D Well obviously I've told you what I think. I've never attempted to get better or even been diagnosed with ana but I think I would try my hardest if I thought I was really hurting someone with what I was doing. Like I said, if you just try (even if you fail) at least you can that you tried. I can practically guarantee you that if you don't try to get better and your grandpop does die (remember, you don't know for sure that he is ill) then I think you'd hate yourself for not trying to recover! Hope this helps and remember that I'll be here to support you in whatever you choose to do :) xxx Post reply Do you find this valuable?
Krazy_Kayla	2. RE: Hardest Decision... Oct 29 2009, 11:39 AM EDT Wow your grandpop sounds amazing! I can't fully relate to but I know how it feels when someone wants you to get better and live life and not hate life.-Not that I think you hate life I'm talking about myself- But really you have to get better for yourself,not that your grandpop isn't influencing you to want it but you have to want it for yourself.I have tried to get "better" but in a way of enjoying life and not letting depression get me down.I don't know if your grandpop know's about ana but maybe he's saying enjoy life.And maybe thats where it all starts.I don't really know and I wish I had all the answers for you.Maybe don't think about giving up ana,think about what you could do to better yourself and your life.Like what makes you happy? I hope this helps in some way,I don't know the whole story with you and your grandpop but do something to eliminate stress.Because I'm sure your worried and stressed out about this and you love your grandpop and you want to make him happy of course.And he loves you too and thats why he wants you to grasp life and take it for all it's worth.Look at the bigger picture,who know's maybe you go off to school and discover the cure for cancer? And I'm not saying that ana isn't a huge part in our lives because it is and we just happen to have this disorder but we have to try to find happiness in life whatever that is for you. And it really upsets me when people come here and want to be ana because i wish i wasn't.But I am and I am trying my hardest to find what little joy in life I can.It's hard to have this disorder because we avoid certain things to still control our life,like not going to the movies with friends or eating dinner out for a friends birthday-no I won't go because I don't want to eat and feel bad about it later-thats what goes through our heads and it sucks! We can take control of our own lives and find some joy in it Post reply Do you find this valuable?
Krazy_Kayla	3. RE: Hardest Decision... Oct 29 2009, 11:42 AM EDT I am sorry for rambling like that but I do hope you find some peace of mind.I'm here for you if you want to talk.I am just trying to find happiness in this twisted life I have and I thought if I try to understand my disorder that maybe I can overcome it but I'm far from that right now. Love you darling!!! Post reply Do you find this valuable?
fattyfingerz	4. RE: Hardest Decision... Oct 29 2009, 1:39 PM EDT \| Post edited: Oct 29 2009, 1:43 PM EDT i allways decided that if i found something truly inspiring, or that truly made me want to recover i would promise myself.. there and then that i would recover... make it a final decision... thats what i did about my self harm... and it actually worked... i dunno if it will work for you... but simply make the decision and promise yourself not to go back on it... god i sound like a cheesy arse... haha. lol. its like a clean break, the problom is if you go back on it youll lose most of the faith you have in any chance of recovery... happened to me :( Post reply Do you find this valuable?
Seeking_Perfection	5. RE: Hardest Decision... Nov 8 2009, 11:16 AM EST Thankyou all so much for your contributions. I tried to recover by myself, because no matter what happened I told myself that I was NOT going back to hospital. I started to eat three meals a day with a snack inbetween and no more than a litre of drink a day. And without trying to sound too melodramatic... it was painful. Physically and emotionally. I hated eating every mouthful. I was so confused. (I spend a lot of my life being confused!!) Confused about why I was hurting myself and I got no happiness from it. At least with an ED, sure it's painful, but it all pays off in the end! But as probably worked out by now, it didn't work out. I was becoming more and more miserable, and depressed. I stopped leaving the house because I thought everyone was talking about how humungous I was. But I quit before I was in too deep. So I only have 10-12 lbs to shift before I can carry on where I left off. Thankyou Kayla, I completely agree with you, I cant get better for any else but me. If I don't want it, I have no intention of doing it. Although now I feel incredibly selfish towards my grandpop, I mean it is the ONE thing he asked me to do... It shouldn't be too difficult should it? Thankyou you fattyfingerz, If I find a reason for getting better, I will do it. If I have decided enough is enough and I want out I will do it. If I realise the scale of which I am hurting my friends and family, pushing them away and damaging myself, I will do it. And Thankyou Gem, for sharing your views and promising to stick by me whatever I choose, which you have. But I am back now, and I WILL be skinny by Easter ( : I love you guys so much, and thanks again xxx Post reply Do you find this valuable?
gemana	6. RE: Hardest Decision... Nov 8 2009, 2:11 PM EST \| Post edited: Nov 8 2009, 2:11 PM EST heya my love, well at least you can say that you've tried! you tried and it obviously wasn't the time for you to recover, welcome back :) xxx Post reply Do you find this valuable?